Author: Mariann

Rating: PG

Category: Filk, Angst

Spoilers: Cancer mythology, "Gethesmane/Redux"

Keywords: Filk, MSR (implied), Angst

Summary: Between "Redux" and "Redux II", Scully ponders the special relationship she has with Mulder as she lay dying from cancer.

Disclaimer: I do not own “The X-Files” or the song “You Must Love Me” (from the “Evita” soundtrack) and I will be making no profit from the use of them here.

Feedback: Appreciated and answered! mysticalmare@aol.com

Archive: Any/All, but please let me know where it's going.

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You Must Love Me
By
Mariann

o/~ Where do we go from here? This isn't where we intended to be o/~

Mulder, I watch you sleeping in a plastic hospital chair at my bedside and I think of how we never thought our end would come like this. A hidden killer has surfaced, and we both know that this is one enemy we cannot fight, even together. As much as I want to deny it, as much as I did deny it at first, I am a scientist and I cannot deny it any longer. Of all the dangers we have faced, cancer has become the most unsuspected foe.

o/~ We had it all...you believed in me, I believed in you o/~

I look back at our years together and realize just how special those times were. I never expected the first time I ventured into the basement that I would meet the closest friend and ally I have ever known. Your constant and unwavering belief in me has been like nothing else I've ever experienced. And it is that belief that has kept me going, kept us going, through some very trying times. I believe in you too, Mulder. You have no idea how much I believe in you. And I don't know if you ever will.

o/~ Certainties disappear What do we do for our dreams to survive? o/~

What happens now, Mulder? What happens to all the dreams we shared on late night cases? And what happens to the truth we've sought at all costs? What we have now is only a piece, and I do believe there is more out there. I can only pray that my end will not end your search for your sister and you will expose the truth of the conspiracy that was revealed to us in that basement office. But nothing is certain anymore.

o/~ How do we keep all our passions alive as we used to do? o/~

There is a bond between us that I can only just begin to explain. Far beyond that of a FBI partner, perhaps even beyond that of a soul mate. We have a passion for each other as partners in life. And as long as we still have that passion between us, I can keep fighting until the inevitable happens.

o/~ Why are you at my side? How can I be any use to you now? o/~

You have been at my side since I first received the diagnosis and you still at my side now when the end is becoming so frighteningly visible. With the exception of my family, everyone else has moved away from me. It is almost as if the stench of death is upon me and they're afraid it will become contagious. But you, Mulder, you have never stopped treating me the way you always have. Sick or not, in your eyes I still am and always will be your Scully.

How can I even begin to show my gratitude? In all likelihood I will not leave this hospital. I will never be able to fight another mutant or conspiracy at your side. You know this, you have to know this, but you're still here. I hope you will realize just how much it means to me. How much you mean to me.

o/~ Give me a chance and I'll let you see how nothing has changed o/~

Please, Mulder, forget for a while how much things have changed. Propose a theory to me, and let me show you that while I am weak in body, I am not weak in mind. I will never be weak in mind. I will always be willing to argue from the skeptic's side with you. Not everything dies along with the body.

o/~ Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say o/~

There are things I want to tell you, Mulder, but I can't. It's as if I'm afraid saying them will speed up my end. Perhaps it's some delusion that if I don't say good-bye until the very end, it will somehow prolong the arrival of the inevitable. I can only hope somehow you already know what I want to say.

o/~ Scared to confess what I'm feeling Frightened you'll slip away o/~

I have always been the strong one, at least from your point of view. Sometimes I don't think you could view me as weak even if you tried. I wish I could confess to you how helpless I feel right now. But I fear that if I let you know all the anxiety I have inside of me, your blind faith that somehow, just because I am Scully, I will get through this will vanish. It's the strength of that belief that keeps me going.

My life is slipping away, and the science I have grown to rely on can do nothing for me.

I'm afraid, Mulder.

o/~ You must love me o/~

You've stuck by me through thick and thin for five years. When difficulties have the blocked my path, you stayed at my side and helped me get over them. You respected me when I debunked your theories, and never feared conceding when the facts proved me to be right. Through family deaths, conspiracies, scorn from our peers in the bureau, sickness and injury, and the unspeakable horror we’ve encountered on some cases, you’ve been there every step of the way. And now, as I face my final days, you are still at my side.

You must love me, Mulder. I know you love me.

And I love you too.

The End

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